I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Randomize
