I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize