I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Randomize
