MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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