Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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