My hand turned me down
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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