Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
