Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
