I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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