Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
