i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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