we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
