WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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