i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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