peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I fill condoms, not promises.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
