I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
