Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
