Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
