my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
