so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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