Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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