If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
