when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
