im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
