I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
