Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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