I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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