dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dear god my vagina.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
