She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
