I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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