I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
