it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
