I met the friendliest cop last night
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
