Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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