First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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