My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
