Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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