I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
