The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
