What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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