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That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
