My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
