Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
