I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
