Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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