based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize