At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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