"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
