He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
