i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
