Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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