I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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