i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it because I queefed?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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