i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
