We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The uberlube is also flammable
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
