where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize