I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
