I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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