I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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