Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
