i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
