I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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