That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
