Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
