There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
