I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
