I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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