Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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