i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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