I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
