my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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