I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
