i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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