I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
