nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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