New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
