Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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