I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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