Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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