you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
